


I Am Here, Love

by Snowbazzz_lyf



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Baz is a great boyfriend, M/M, Nightmares, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Simon Snow Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Simon has a nightmare, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-08 17:07:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18898978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowbazzz_lyf/pseuds/Snowbazzz_lyf
Summary: Simon has a terrible nightmare and Baz comforts him.An angsty with a soft ending oneshot.





	I Am Here, Love

 

He is whimpering softly in his sleep when my own light and restless sleep is broken by his muffled and panicked whispers and pleas. His wings are no longer in his control, as it happens when he is agitated. Instead, they are flapping around wildly and it's a small miracle that they haven't hit me yet. And I am sure he is in the middle of a nightmare.

Fuck, my heart hurts right now. Simon does not deserve these terrible dreams. These dreams which keep on reminding him that he is no longer a mage, that the presence of the humdrum was partially his fault, that the Mage died at his hands. Dreams which show him Ebb, dead and cold, Bunce and I, hurt or dying, Watford burning. It has been almost five years since that horrible day but Simon still gets nightmares about it, and I don't think they will ever stop, though they are quite less in number now. I remember how in the beginning he used to get a shit ton of them every night.

I quickly and gently nudge him, and he is groaning and crying loudly in his sleep. “Simon” I say, my voice soft. “Love, it's alright. It's a dream. It's just a dream. Wake up, Simon.”

He jerks awake, and then bolts upright, his chest sagging. He is shivering, and his hair is all sweaty. His breaths are ragged and uneven and it looks like he is going to collapse. But then he tucks his knees under his arms and places his forehead on his knees, trying to steady himself. His wings are no longer flapping around haphazardly, but they are limp, lifeless. I don't think he has even noticed me.

I want to touch him, hold him close, kiss his head and tell him it's alright. That it's over and that everyone is now safe and sound. That he is not alone. But I don't do it. I don't want to frighten him more, even though it would be unintentional. Simon had once freaked out when I had touched him without asking him after he had had a nightmare. I have never made that mistake again and now I always ask for his permission. I would hate it if I scare him more than he already is.

“Simon...” I say again, my voice hardly above a whisper. “It's over love, it is over. You are here. I am here. It was only a dream.”

He does not even acknowledge me, just continues to tremble and whimper. I don't say anything more for a good two minutes before I slowly and cautiously I ask, “Do you want me to touch you?”

He does not react for a moment before he barely lifts his head and  nods. I sigh, feeling relieved, and start by rubbing my hand on his back, soothing his frayed nerves.

“I am here, love. I am here.”

My other hand rakes through his hair, gently smoothing it, untangling it. It takes a long time but slowly I feel his trembling lessen, his breathing evening out. I shift and allow my hands to graze over his hands, caressing it softly, tracing the constellations on his skin.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask gently. Simon looks up and tilts his head. His eyes are bloodshot and tired and there are dried tear marks on his cheeks. He doesn't say anything but he slowly shifts from his position, clambers into my lap and presses his face into my chest and with some difficulty, I wrap my arms around his waist.  (Difficulty because of those huge ass wings) (Crowley, I don't know whether I hate them or love them) (probably both)

He subconsciously lifts his wings and wraps them around us and they form a shield, protecting us from the outside world, and right now between my arms and his wings it's only the two of us who matter. He is still sniffling occasionally into my chest and he is honestly so small and so fragile right now, I am afraid that I might break him. 

He had actually lost a lot of weight after those events. He was no longer muscular but thin and sickly. He would always look so tired, so miserable, so worn out. His eyes had stopped shining like they always had, he would rarely smile and while he had never been great at talking, his responses had become monosyllabic. He used to speak so less that at times when he actually would speak, his voice would crack and sound hoarse due to lack of use.

Bunce and I had become fiercely protective about him. We would not allow anyone to even talk to him since all of them just wanted him to recount all that had happened to him. They wanted him to recount the horrors he had been through. Honestly, people are so damn insensitive at times. We had become exasperated of shitty people who would not let Simon be.

And Simon would also lie awake in bed for hours at night and would wake up very late, which was alarming as he had always been a morning person. And on the days when he did wake up early, he would just lie in his bed and stare at the ceiling for hours on end.

He is undoubtedly much better now. He has gained weight again (though it's still not like how he was before), he smiles more, he actually talks now and he is not a complete wreck now. It took a lot of time and therapy for him to reach where he is now. 

Pulling myself out of my thoughts, I kiss the top of his head, softly, and then place my chin there. “I am here, love, I am right here. No one can hurt you now.”

Simon nods and snuggles closer. “ know.” He croaks out. “I am just... It was so real.” He sobs and his hands clutch my chest. “ _He_  was there. He was telling me it was all my fault. I said I am sorry and I would do any-anything to correct it... but- but he said- I. Baz I-” he starts crying heavily, unable to speak more.

My heart is breaking apart right now. Everytime this happens, everytime Simon has some dastardly dream I feel like someone is crushing me. It hurts to see him suffer so much. I love him so much, I always have, yet I cannot do anything about his dreams, no matter how badly I want to. I want to chase away all his worries and his nightmares and replace it with light, warmth, comfort and happiness.  Everything that Simon Snow embodies.

“Hush.” I whisper softly, my voice cracking slightly. I hope he doesn't notice the trembling in my words. I am almost at the verge of tears myself but I am holding myself together for his sake. I have to stay strong for him right now. I blink back the moisture in my eyes and gulp before saying in a calm, steady and soothing voice. “Nobody is blaming you for anything, love. I am here. I am right here.”

He nods and continues to cry for a while. I rub his back, as much as I can, while planting soft kisses on the top his head. Gradually his breathing eases again and his vice like grip on my chest relaxes, though he continues to hold me gently. When he speaks again, his voice is not panic stricken and cracking though it still is small and barely above a whisper.

“Baz... in the dream, he-he hurt you. I- I tried-”

“Simon.” I say, before he can go in a full blown panic attack again. “Nobody is hurting me. I am here, perfectly safe and alright. Don't worry, love. I am okay.”

He nods. “You are okay.”

“Yes. And anyways, you forgot that your boyfriend is a badass vampire with superhuman strength who can tear apart any bitch ass fucker, yeah?”

He gives a small genuine chuckle as he finally lifts up his head to look at me. “Yeah.” he says with a tiny smile. “Yeah you are.”

His eyes are red and puffy and he looks tired beyond belief. I smile at him too and kiss his forehead. I then cup his face with my hands, and gently stroke his cheeks with my thumb. I kiss his nose. Then his cheeks. Then that mole near his eye. Then his soft pink lips. It's just a small affectionate peck but I know that it conveys so much more. He smiles a little wider when I pull back. 

“Let me get you some water.” I say tucking behind a strand of his curly bronze hair. He nods gratefully and shifts out of my lap and I turn towards the table beside our bed. 

I pour a glass of water while still keeping a careful eye on Simon. He is sitting quietly with his chin on his knees, staring intently at the wall, and his expression is far away and brooding, the way it gets when I know he is thinking too hard.

I remember when he had told me that he doesn't think much. And now when he spends too much time thinking, it sort of breaks my heart. This change, from a Simon who didn't think much to a Simon who thinks too much, breaks me heart. No amount of therapy can change that, I am afraid.

“Don't do it.” I say as I hand him the glass. He startles and looks at me and the glass before he takes it.

“Don't do what?” He mumbles as he brings the water to his lips.

“Think. Don't think too much.”

“It's... I try not to. But it just happens.”

“I know. But right now, don't do it.”

He stays quiet as he takes a sip of the water before gulping it down. He hands the glass to me, still remaining silent with his head bent. I place the glass back on the table and shift closer to him.

“Simon.”

He nods without looking up. I tilt his chin up and he blinks at me with his blue eyes, the eyes I am absolutely crazy about. Stroking his jaw carefully and gently with my thumb, I join our foreheads. He lets out a deep breath and closes his eyes.

“Simon.” I say again, breathing out his name in a soft, affectionate manner. “I love you. I love you and I am right here. I will always be next to you, always. Don't forget that, love.”

He hums and a corner of his mouth curls up. He opens his eyes again and cups my face with his hands. “I love you too. I love you so much. Thank you, Baz.”

 

 I kiss him lightly before replying, “Don't thank me. I am your boyfriend and I love you. You don't thank me for that.” He laughs lightly in response.

“Alright, my brave knight.”

I grin and kiss him again. “Right.”

“Let's go back to sleep. You have to get up early tomorrow and I don't want you to feel tired because of me.”

“Nonsense. I do not tire easily, you know that. And I can stay up for a long time at night.”

Of fucking course my body decides to let out a loud yawn at that very moment and I am unable to stifle it. 

“Yeah yeah.” Simon says raising an eyebrow and smirking at me. (He acquired that habit from me) (I am so proud of him). “Well _I_ am tired. So let's go to sleep.”

“Alright.” I say and kiss his forehead.

We lie down in the bed again, with him in my arms, facing me. One of my arms is draped on his waist, holding him close to me, while the other is playing with his bronze curls. He is keeping on of his hands on my waist while the other is drawing circles on my chest. We stay that way for a while, not shifting or uttering even a single word.

“Baz?”

“Hmm?”

“You said no one can hurt you because you are a vampire and you have superhuman strength. But the numpties had kidnapped you, had they not?”

“Jesus Christ, Snow. I mean, seriously. What the fuck?” I am exasperated and he is giggling. Numpties have and always would be a sore topic for me.

“Well I am not wrong, am I?” He asks defensively, still giggling like a schoolgirl.

“Ugh I am not getting into this. Nope. I am not discussing why and how I got kidnapped.”

He laughs and shift closer to me and drops a feather soft kiss on my chest and my breath hitches in my throat for a moment. Trust Simon to completely drive me nuts and then make me go back to fawning over him by just one kiss.

“I really love you Baz.” He murmurs, after some time.

“I love you too, Simon. So much.”

Still cuddled up together, I listen to Simon's breath gradually becoming steady and coming out in little puffs as he falls asleep. (Mouth breather)

Eventually my eyes drift close too, and before I fall asleep, I kiss his bronze curls again and sigh.

This beautiful boy is all mine and I love him so much.  


**Author's Note:**

> Baz is the best boyfriend ever, I am just saying.


End file.
